THE OCCARS

Films Based On Playstation Games

2011-06-25T06:19:00.000-07:00

House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim
Scientists fail to notice fragility of test tubes.

65/100

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
Invisible alien ghosts crashing into Earth on a giant meteor turns out to be a bad thing.

81/100

Resident Evil: Degeneration
Man's hair defies gravity.
49/100

The winner of the OCCAR for Best Film Based On A Playstation Game is:

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

Bacall and Bogart

2011-06-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

Key Largo

Man should have consulted Trip Advisor.

100/100

To Have And Have Not

Tourist gives whistling lessons.
100/100

Dark Passage
Man shaves moustache.
100/100

The winner of the OCCAR for Best Bacall and Bogart Film is:

All of them

Superheroes

2011-05-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

Fantastic Four - Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Woman is upset by postponed wedding.

69/100

Ghost Rider

Motorcyclist finds cure for cancer.

60/100

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Man's girlfriend dips out.

48/100

The winner of the OCCAR for Best Superhero Film is:

Fantastic Four - Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Films Which Are One Of Episodes One To Three Of Star Wars

2011-05-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

Boy's mum dips out.

89/100

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Boy's mum dips out again.

78/100

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Boy's wife dips out.

90/100

The winner of the OCCAR for Best Film Which Is One Of Episodes One To Three Of Star Wars is:

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Wizard Films

2011-05-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

The Wizard
Boy refuses to put a box down.
88/100

The Wizard Of Oz
Girl is pleased with new shoes.
94/100

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
Boy finds bathroom.
91/100

The winner of The OCCAR for best wizard film is
The Wizard Of Oz

The Clichés

2011-05-13T13:28:00.001-07:00

Here is the list of clichés used in the rating system, their icons and their values:

Disappearing Character
There is a person. We look away. We look back. They disappeared.
6 points.

Not Really Dead
We thought someone was dead/dying. They were not dead/dying.
6 points.

Drink Discard
A person sees something unbelievable, blames their drink and usually throws it away.
6 points.

Hate Turns To Love
Two people hate each other. Then an adventure. Then they love each other.
5 points.

Shaky Cam
To suggest gritty realism, the camera is not stabilised
5 points.

Hard Man Banter
Men with big guns stand around making violent/sexual references much to their own amusement.
5 points.

Stop Messing About
The monster approaches a victim. The victim assumes it is a friend messing around. It is not a friend messing around. It is a monster.
5 points.

Who Do I Love?
A man thinks he's in love with a woman but later realises he is actually in love with his not-as-attractive female friend. Can also happen with different genders.
5 points.

Shouty Black Police Chief
The police chief is a slightly chubby hard talking black man. Who shouts.
4 points.

Making It Count
A character is down to their last piece of ammunition or last few seconds of time and "must make it count". Then, it counts.
4 points.

Shocking Noise Is Nothing Important
It's a tense moment. We are all shocked by a noise over there. Turns out it was nothing to worry about (usually a cat) and then, as we all relax, there is the real baddy.
4 points.

REC
To show that what we are seeing was filmed on a character's camcorder, the shot has a flashing red dot in the corner with "REC" written next to it.
4 points.

Calm Despite Explosion
A massive explosion is going off. A character is calmly walking toward the camera, silhouetted by the massive explosion.
4 points.

It Was All A Dream
We were thought it was real. We find out that it was a dream.
4 points.

Evil Englishman
The baddy is a well spoken English Person.
4 points.

Hug While Grimmacing Over Shoulder
Two people cuddle. One person gives a menacing, evil or otherwise juxtaposed facial expression, unseen over the other's shoulder.
3 points.

Nerd KOs Jock
A character who clearly doesn't know how to punch, knocks out someone much bigger than them with one punch.
3 points.

Silhouetted Baddy
A flash of lightning reveals the silhouetted presence of a baddy.
3 points.

Glasses Make You Ugly
A girl becomes attractive by removing her glasses.
3 points.

Can't Get A VITAL Word In.
One character talks endlessly while another tries to deliver an important piece of information.
3 points.

Phantom Vehicle RTA
Without making a sound or being seen approaching an incredibly fast vehicle appears from nowhere to mow someone down.
3 points.

It COULD Get Worse
Someone says "it couldn't get any worse" and then it gets worse.
3 points.

Unrealistic Computers
A contemporary computer which is unrealistic in the way it behaves, looks or is operated.
3 points.

Sage Old Black Man
An old black man is the wise character.
3 points.

Offending A Person You Shouldn't
A character offends an unimportant stranger. Later it turns out the stranger is someone significant. The character should not have offended the stranger.
3 points.

Blurry Figure
We see a mysterious character behind the protagonist as the camera slowly pans out or round.
2 points.

Black Person Says "DAYAM!"
A black person says "DAYAM!".
2 points.

Monster Child
The camera approaches a child. Then we discover that it is not a child. It is a monster.
2 points.

Canine Urination Jocularity
A dog urinates on something for the audience's amusement. Other animals and other forms of bodily waste also count.
2 points.

Bullet Time
Slow motion during which the camera moves.
2 points.

Dramatic Interruption
Someone enters unseen to interrupt a conversation dramatically.
2 points.

"STATEMENT, NAME. STATEMENT." Sentence Structure.
For example:
"I just don't know, Dave. I just don't know."
1 point.

Leg Lift Kissing
A woman lifts one leg while kissing.
1 point.

"And That's An Order."
Any use of the line "…and that's an order".
1 point.

No?
In despair and/or disbelief a character shouts a protracted "Nooooooooo!".
1 point.

Let's Do It.
One or more characters shout "Let's do it!" before doing something.
1 point.

Slo-Mo
The use of slow motion.
1 point.

Up High Eagle Screech
To suggest being high up or being in the wilderness, we hear an eagle screech.
1 point.

Baddy Explains The Plan
The baddy explains his master plan to the goody.
1 point.

The OCCARS

2011-05-10T06:21:00.000-07:00

Each week baldmonkey and Wife will be watching the three top films from a selected genre and rating them to see which is best. This will be done with The Online Cinematic Cliché Avoidance Rating System. And we'll award a shiny OCCAR Trophy to the winner every week.

The system is easy; films start with 100 points and lose points for each cliché they employ. In our write-ups the clichés in a film are represented by the icons beneath them. You can view a list of the clichés and their values HERE.

To test the system out we gave it a go on The Goonies. Here's how it did:

The Goonies
Children abandon fat friend for cash.
92/100

You can hover over the icons to see which cliché they represent or, if you want more information, read about the icons HERE.

If you'd like to help us feel free to email extra clichés to be considered and suggestions for genres and films in those genres. The email is baldmonkey@baldmonkeystuff.co.uk
and we look forward to hearing from you.